Top 10

With the current heat wave (104 yesterday in the shade....96 in the house), and the fact that we broke all kinds of heat related records yesterday, and because the heat wave continues, I've decided to compile my "Top 10 ways to beat the heat in Vancouver this weekend".

10) Sleep in the bathroom. This tends to be the coolest room in the house. It helps if you fill the bathtub up with cold water and ice cubes just before going to bed. For even better results, sleep in bathtub. Although, this doesn't work if you tend to roll over a lot at night, as drowning may occur.
9) Setup camp next to the frozen food section of the local supermarket. The open meat sections work good too. Pretend to be looking at the items in the freezer. Place head directly in freezer as many times as needed. Take your time. Trust me. It will be a couple of hours before they actually ask you to leave. Then, proceed to next supermarket.
8) Ice cubes. Make lots. Eat them. Suck on them. Put them in your pockets, bra and underwear. Put them in buckets and (depending on size of bucket) place feet and/or butt in bucket too.
7) Darkness rules. Close all blinds and curtains. Make sure no light or sunshine gets in. Make your house into a bat cave. Live like a bat, and only go out at night. Sleep during the day...in the bathroom.
6) Place a fan directly in front of the open fridge door. Place chair directly in front of fan. Turn fan onto high, and place butt in chair. Enjoy!! If you happen to have a side-by-side fridge, the freezer door works better.
5) Fill kiddie pool with ice and cold water. Wait 5-10 minutes for ice to start melting. Then dump entire contents over head. Repeat as many times as required.
4) Clothes? Forget-about-it! Go naked. Who cares if the neighbours freak, or the postman glares? As my Auntie Leona used to say..."If they haven't seen it before, they won't know what it is. And if they have, they won't be surprised." And the bonus...the in-laws will think twice before stopping in unannounced.
3) If clothes are a must, follow these steps. Take all food out of freezer. Replace with contents of closet. When choosing clothes to wear, wear only the ones that have been in the freezer the longest. Change clothes 15 times a day.
2) Get air conditioning installed. Can't afford it? Find a friend who can, and ask them to move in with you. After the heat wave, send them packing!
1) Spend $70,000 to have a pool installed in your back yard. No room in your back yard? Install it at the neighbours house. They will love you for it, and (hopefully) will feel obligated to let you use it whenever you want!